PaulyWalnut’s nut house

General The Pub
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Thanks to @OldGoat , I now have a new best friend and my own personal place to rant, rave and reminisce. Sorry, @SessionDrummer , You’ll always be a close second. If anyone ever needs help on anything vape related, he’s our resident go-to-man.

See I have the badge for being respected. As what? A ramblin’, ramblin, ramblin’ (old) man. Who said that?

I have to make some rules. REPLY with your own bull shit! Mischievous is recommended. Gives me something to latch onto.

Prepare for some very long irrelevant, (hopefully) irreverent garbage.

First, lemme warn ‘ya. I started smoking at age 13 and continue. For 68 years. This caused a slight scrambling of the eggs. Extra creamy, extra cheesy a little doddering and some beggin’ strips. Early stages, the Doc said to keep the nuts active. Unfortunately high blood pressure doesn’t go well with the blue pill, so this community does just that! Keeping the noodles active. Gutter dwellers.

Still smoking way too many Swisher Sweets, but thanks to @SessionDrummer my 3rd (or 4th) batch of juice will be tested tomorrow. Very optimistic. 1st 2 or 3 were total disasters. I will continue to harass him as he is so helpful. I think I stopped the Devils lettuce in my late 50’. That too began in my teens.

While the Majority of my stories will the unadulterated truth, know that I can be slightly full of shit.

So, first story:

I was 15 years old, just before I ran away from the woman I called my egg donor. We were all kinda nerds, so we got picked on, and often times kids in the hood threw eggs at the house. Watching tv (Some reading books) we heard a whack at the porch door. My pa leapt up, opened the door hoping to catch the little snotty, and seeing no one, went out to see where the egg landed.

Seing nothing, he turned around to go back in, and saw a bat on the ground in front of the door. He picked it up to show us kids and my ma freaked out! “Gene, you throw that outside now! You know it could have Rabis!”

Dad puts it up to his cheek, rubs it, couple kisses… Ma gets outta her chair stomping towards him. Pa, 5’9" ma, 4’ll", my dad KNEW she’d kick his ass, threw it in the yard…

Later that night, ma put some shaving cream around his mouth. Wakes, me, begs me to follow, shows me pa, hands me the shot gun and says, “Remember Old Yeller the other nigh? You know what you have to do!”

Man, can you believe that shit? I mean seriously?

Well, that killed a couple hours! I don’t write. I re-write. Proof read, re-write, proof again, click reply proof again and edit.

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Mate… that was a helluva ride. You’ve got more stories than a barber shop on pension day — and I mean that in the best way possible.

First off — I’m honored to be crowned your new best friend, even if poor @SessionDrummer got booted down the ranks like yesterday’s cotton. He’ll survive, he’s a tough one — probably rebuilding an RDA with one hand while steeping a custard with the other.
As for your stories, keep ’em coming. The bat, the shaving cream, the Old Yeller reference — I laughed, winced, and snorted coffee through my nose all in the span of three paragraphs. That’s rare talent. You might be full of it, but damn if it’s not high-grade, small-batch artisan bull.
I’ve got one for you, since we’re swappin’ tales. A couple years back I was in Addis Ababa — beautiful place, but vaping in public? Not the best idea. So there I am, minding my own business, having a sneaky puff on the street when this poor woman walks right into my cloud. She freezes, looks at me like I’ve just summoned a demon, and starts absolutely losing it. Full on panic mode — shouting, flailing, proper meltdown.
I didn’t understand a word she was saying (I think they speak Amharic?), but it was clear she thought I was releasing some kind of poison gas. A security guard nearby saw the whole thing, and I kid you not, he nearly folded over laughing. Once the lady sprinted off — face covered like I’d unleashed sarin — the guard walked up, still chuckling, and said, “She thinks you are trying to kill everyone.”
Safe to say, I took the rest of my vape breaks indoors after that.
Anyway, glad to see you’ve carved out your own little corner here. Keep the ramblin’ coming — we need more of it. Hell, it’s cheaper than therapy and way more entertaining.

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The gauntlet has been stomped on the ground. I only hope I’m up to what YOU started.

My daddy always told me, entertainment at another’s expense is the best value.

I hope you followed her around. Tell her it only kills Ethiopians.

Tell 'ya why I’ll never have any more kids.

Used to own a small trucking company. Me and my cargo van. Parked it in a K-mart parking lot, early 60’s?

FINALLY got a job. Went to the truck, washed and waxed her… opened the back, bunch of garbage laying around. Blankets, potato chips, used condoms… I don’t recall the phrase WTF being said back then, but rest assured I said it!

Went into K-mart, bought a broom, pushed all the shit out onto the lot, returned the broom for the money and went my merry way.

Few days later, a new customer. Washed and waxed, opened the back, same shit all over the place. Since someone had cleaned my mess from the last time, I went back and bought the same broom (was filthy) made a new pile for the lot, got my money back and went on my way.

Very next day, new customer. By George, I might be able to buy a padlock soon. Go to the truck, just needs a good washing and I hear someone moaning and giggling. I’m thinking, “HA! gotcha bitch.” Some ho’ thinks she gonna make money off me without fair compensation? I’m getting laid for free!

Threw the door open and there’s 4 dudes! Slammed the door shut, threw the latch down, hopped in and began driving just a “little” erratically. Stomp on the gas, then the breaks, sharp turns left and right, on and on. I can hear them banging against the sides and shit. I’m having a gay old time. (Notice the pun?)

Finally I stop, throw open the back and 3 out of 4 are sprinting while trying to put their pants on. One is still struggling to get up. I get in, I’m thinking on killing him. Says, “Wait, wait! Before you do anything rash, hear me out! I average 20 pops a night at $5.00 each! For every 5, I’ll give you $2.50!” I’m no dummy. $100.00 a night? I said, “make it $3.00 and you gotta deal.”

Then I thought, “Shit, I’m in the wrong business.” Then I thought about making him teach ME!" I mean that’s serious cash, back then. Then he offered to shake on the agreement and changed my mind.

I was still making more off of that “thing” per week than making runs.

Grand Rapids, Michigan. The winter wonderland of -20 degrees in the afternoon sun. Went to collect at our usual time, and he only had $18.00 for me! I was averaging close to $80.00/week! WTF, dude? Whines that It’s too cold!

Said his guys won’t come to a Hotel, they’re afraid of the police!

Offers to pay for the gas to run the heater in the cargo. Diesel dumb-ass! Costs more, but I agree. No sweat off my back. Next morning I go to make a run and my trucks gone! Few days later the cops found it in a chop shop in Kalamazoo!

Seriously? After I treated you like a son?

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THAT I can never do!

Even if I hear one, I can’t remember.

Wait, what? I’ve had a bag of cotton in my drawer for years, not just yesterday. Pop a zit, little rubbing alcohol, still hurts like hell.

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Back in the days when vacuums were canisters, with a long steal tube to which we attached… Well, attachments… A buddy dropped by with a garbage bag of home-grown. Grabbed the vacuum, stuffed some foil into the tube, (We’re talking close to 2” in diameter) poked some holes in it with a needle and filled her up.

Turned on the vacuum, lit the weed, and just say there for hours, bull shitting. Eyes stinging from the smoke. I got higher from the Anisan I took to kill the headache.

Next day the wife took the vacuum to the carpets. BOY did I get in trouble!

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I didn’t really start drinking until I was 40 ish. Wife and I found wine. Then gained weight. Hate beer. Does NOT go good with pizza. Now I’m into Admiral Nelson’s Spiced rum and diet root beer.

How-some-ever… The drunkest I’ve ever been was when I was around 21, maybe 22?

A friend of mine and this kid we used, that we called “Dink Dan” started drinking around 1:00 pm. 'Round 4:00 pm, we were at a pool hall and this chick named Rhea Barker, (Yes, her parents must have hated her) that we called a REEEEAL Barker, (She was not attractive. My buddy had a kid with her) walked in.

You know how guys drink to make their wives look good? To me, in my state of inebriation, this chick was smoking hot! Started hitting on her. The last thing I remember is dropping my cigarette, bending over to pick it up and falling, got back up with the help of the pool table, dropped it again… Fell again…

Next thing I remember, I’m in the drunk tank, looking for the porcelain god, when some dude is dumping the hot ashes of his smoke on my Adams apple. He was black. Seems I said something he found offensive.

Back then, there was no real issue with drinking and driving, so when I was sober they let me go. My friend picked me up. I was like, wheres my car? He said you totaled it, don’t you remember? WHAT???

Seems Dink Dan had this Plymouth some shit or another with a big ass 400 CI engine. Sad ass rear ratio good for speed on the expressway. He thought he could take me in a quarter mile race, in my Ford Mustang. NICE rear ratio for street racing.

Evidently, I took him up on the challenge. Nice quiet back road with a couple stop signs about 1/4 mile apart. My buddy wanted to see the rear end of my car, so he rode with Dan. We agreed that Dan would honk his horn and we’d go.

And we did! My buddy said I was “Almost” at the stop sign and Dan wasn’t even half way. He said there was one of those window van, like an E150 in my left lane. Had I switched lanes, I’d a won $20.

Said instead of switching lanes, I fell over in the seat. Thought I musta passed out. Rear ended the van, back of my car left the ground and from that distance he said he saw the hood disengage from the back, near the windshield, and hit the back of the van. Said I flew through the windshield to see if my engine was alright, fell back again and went back to sleep.

Or knocked unconscious. Cops got there. Started pulling bottles of liquor out of the back of my car, lining them up down the hood and the trunk. I was asked if I’d been drinking. Seems I said, a whole, fuck of a lot!

Since then I stuck with the giggle smoke. Well, maybe a little acid here and there. Sid Barret set SUCH a good example!

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Grab some coffee and fill your mod…

Youngest boy and I were camping in Yellowstone. Bob. Hada be mid 20’s or more. We’re camping alongside some river. (Don’t recall which one, but it was wide and shallow). Evening, sun’s thinking about setting, he goes to look for stuff to burn. Comes back. “Dad, look at this huge mushroom I found!! Ummm. You see that hair, 5 to 6’ up on the pine trees? Bison like to scratch themselves on those trees. “Yeah?” When Buffalo take a shit it’s called a chip. “yeah?” You’re holding a chip.

“Wait, you’re telling me this is buffalo shit?” “Pretty sure…” Tosses it forward. Lands in the campfire and freaks out. “It’s okay, Cowboys did it forever”. Next day, it’s still smoldering. Pours water on it. Never read a Zane Gray that said anything about that, so I made him drag the tent, WAY far away!

Had a Cam Corder. Recorded to a VCR tape. He’s watching some mountain goats with my binoculars, swinging to the left, he spots a moose on the other side of the river. Big sucker!

We hiked over with the camera, I’m recording and the kid says, “man, she’s looking right at us!” “Actually” said I, “she’s looking behind us.” I swung the camera around, and we both saw a calf. The kid goes AWOOOO! Damn near took a swing to the back of his head. Via his nose!

Turned back to the moose. Halfway across the river. Not moving slowly, but definitely cautious. We both dropped the F-bomb simultaneously and RAN!!! Me? Not like the wind. Kid? Gone with the wind!

Dropped the camera. You think I’m going to go back and get it? I aint even LOOKING back!

Later, a TV show came out called America’s funniest home videos. Never missed an episode. Never saw my video. How’s that even possible?

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This is some 10 years ago in a cabin we rented each year in the Sierra Nevada foot hills, near Calivarous County Big tree state Park. Giant Sequoias.

My eldest great grand daughter meets a real phone and has NO idea! The shock can’t be faked!

The following fall, that famous tree got blown over. She insisted on seeing it. Poor girl cried on Grumpa meany’s chest.

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