I was in grade school, when we were learning about punctuation, when the teacher asked me what the most important punctuation is.
I told her it had to be the period.
She asked me why?
I told her I didn’t know, but my sister missed hers, my mother fainted, my dad got mad and the neighbor vanished, never to be seen again.
Had to save that one to share!
Did y’all hear about the Indian that drank 16 cups of tea?
He drowned the next morning in his own tea-pee.
Didja hear about the kid-napping at the high school?
Apparently the whole school could hear him snoring.
Did you hear about the politician that locked his family in the car?
At Sunday school, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I am going to have a wife.”
Now, that’s funny right there, boy!
Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays. After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school. His dad says to the teacher “Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved.”
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
“I don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny.
“Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.
“Okay then…good night,” said Little Johnny, and went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother shit in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there.
So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad fucking his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, “OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is fucking the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!”
At church last week, the pews were full, standing room only. As we awaited our sermon to begin, the devil appeared. The church empties as patrons trample on each other in their desperation to escape.
I sat in the front row, reading my bible. The devil approached and asked if I was afraid. I said, “Nope.”
The devil got pissed and roared, “Why the hell, not?!”
I said, “Dude, I’ve been married to your sister for 60 years.”
Here are 3 reasons a good woman is like a steak:
- The good ones are a little seasoned.
- They sizzle when they get got.
- You usually have to flip them over to finish them off.
Couple blonds fell down a hole. One says, “wow, don’t you think it’s really dark in here?”
To which the other replies, “I don’t know, I can’t see.”