Daily News Fart - Please play attention

As I have a very satirical nature, I thought containing all in one thread was a sensible move on my part.

@woftam could you remove the 8 post limit for me as it will cause issues here and I was unable to share my list of advent movies. Hopefully, it isn’t an embuggeration for you.

I will choose three stories each day which need a fact belch - I have included a preview below.

Woman with Disorderly Hair is Claimed to Influence Votes Through Strands.

Laura Kuenssberg, an impressive crossed arms female with a stare fitting of an American news ponce, claims that the Under Secretary of Heath Regarding the Risk of Pencils could kill us all.

Israel Desperate to Ensure Victory as the Most Hypocritical Country Over the Last Century. Germany and Japan prepare actions to ensure victory - The CIA confirms that David Hasselhoff’s location is being monitored as a matter of urgency.


Man in Flat Cap Stares at 22 Young Men Without Deciding Who to Bed. The police are still considering charging options.



Parisian Police Still in Stalemate Over Uniform Design. French criminal-bashers have continued to fail to agree on a single design for their high visibility ‘scare-vests’: All hope that bouts of striking and git-mobbing will end without incident.

Giant Man Warned Not to Point at the Colour Blue. Last night, a giant vandal known for placing oversized letters and numbers across the UK pointed out wide areas affected by the colour blue. Sadly, people unable to engage in any forward planning were severely affected by the event and insist that this menace is stopped. Parliament has tried to re-establish public trust by reminding the population that all pointing entails Ireland being elbowed.

Care-In-Community Patient Fails to Grasp Irony. Elon Musk, child of Ambergris and Deer Musk, has continued to speak in public despite investors and doctor’s warning. Sources close to the embattled moron only responded with the brief statement ‘hotdogs’. As a result, a wellness check has been requested.


Well-known Music Money Attacks Variety. Barry Eyelash, a singer famed for his songs like ‘My Mascara Bleeds’ and ‘Please Don’t Look at Me When I’m Being Provocative’ hits back at Variety for allegations over stealing orphans’ swimming goggles to complete latest look.

Government Plans to send all to Rwanda in Order to Avoid Claims of Racism. After noticing that shouting ‘I am THE LAW!’ was not effective - The current PM and professional real little boy impersonator decided to send all UK citizens to Rwanda to prove that he’s not racist.

BBC Adds Group of Generic Whites to Disprove Claims of Bias. Last night, the BBC released their shortlist for ‘Sounds of 2024’. In order to avoid any claims of bias, they added a forgettable group of whites to the list. Previous winner Stormsy only responded with ‘Shut up!’.


I laughed at the Barry Eyelash thing.


Well, he is an odd one.


Commons Votes in Favour of PM Being Human Child.

After weeks of arguments regarding whether DNA evidence was required, and a return of screams of ‘I am the Law!’, today the House of Commons voted in favour of Rishi Sunak being a real human boy. Sadly, it was agreed over breakfast that the only clear sign would be to slaughter innumerable crickets and assassinate a sperm whale in Australia to prove the point.

Tourist Fails to Understand Regional Rock-Paper-Scissors Variation.

In another shocking lack of cultural knowledge and assumed colonial supremacy, another foolish tourist enrages logical wildlife. The Sri-Lankan Ministry of Tourism urges their international counterparts to inform all wanting to enjoy holidaying in the country need to be mindful that rock-paper-scissors is elephant-human-ant in the region.

Deep Concern Over Continuing Impact of React Channels.

After an incident which many consider to be an indicative warning of the dangers of the virality of extreme reaction, the British Council has been requested to fund channels where Brits underreact or fail to show any discernible engagement. It is hoped that the move may counteract the growing propensity of screaming and crying over the most insignificant of things. The Ministry for the Unveiling of Paper Bags and Incorporated Teflon Sachets (MUPITS) was unavailable for comment.

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Did you guys get the joke?


Her name is Salma f a Hayek is a libertarian dude

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