A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda starts to leave, the bartender shouts, “Hey! You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!!”
As he’s walking out the door, the panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a panda! Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition: “Panda: a large mammal of Asian origin, distinguished by prominent black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
One day, while driving along, a blonde sees another blonde in the middle of a wheat field rowing a boat. She stops, gets out of the car, and shouts to the blonde in the middle of the field, “It’s blondes like you that give all of us a bad name and, if I could swim, I would come over there and kick your ass!”
Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?
“That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”
So, the midget shows up and Sam asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
“A female horth.”
So he shows him a prized filly.
“Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
“Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth”?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
“Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf”?
The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point,but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nice mouf. Can I see her twot”?
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head
as far as he can up the horse’s twot, pulls him out, and drops him on the ground .
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. “Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?”
Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
20 Best One-Liner Jokes.
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I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
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I, for one, like Roman numerals.
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I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
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I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.
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The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
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My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
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I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.
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I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
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I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
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I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
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People say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
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Whiteboards are remarkable.
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I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY
This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In
his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining
what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to
24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year’s (2016?) Criminal Lawyers Awards contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA . . .
I think the recent black hole picture is a fake
This will probably be lost on the younger generation(s), but…
Before there was a Roomba…
Definitely NSFW, but definitely funny.
The gunfighter - (voice by Nick Offerman)
https://youtu.be/mYP-2UCS5nY
The fact that no one thought to check the spelling on the Australian $50 note and they spelt responsibility incorrectly (3x) and then printed 46 million notes with the errors. Sure it is in the micro printing but the devil is in the details 
It’s pretty bad when you could tell a counterfeit because they have proper spelling lol
Printing money is a great responsibilty! 