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Ahahaha you talking about me? I am a slug with no more houses to give. 
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Considering how much work it is to keep a house in top order, if my old lady ever hits the trail she can have the damn thing!!! Payment and all.
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Bad joke time. If you don’t want to get mad at me for how bad these are, just skip them. They are all bad, just terrible.
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Ohhhhh I don’t know. I think a couple of those were chuckle-worthy! 
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I have a Russian friend who is a sound technician. And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
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OK, I take back my apology for my eye-rollers yesterday. I think you just beat them all!!
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I had to contribute 
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I laughed my ass off at the prophets joke!
And the antenna one brought a healthy chuckle too. 
The dough, and potato head ones though… 
/groan
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Just took this pic of a car on the back of a tow truck while I was driving home. Seemed rather ironic. Maybe they jinxed themselves.
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A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’
He answer, “Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”
During a visit to the mental asylum, Guy asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’
‘Oh, I understand,’ said Guy. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or teacup.
‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?’
A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables. The bartender says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”.
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says “Bartender, I’ll have one, and one for the road”.
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says “Hey, why the long face?”
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
The Invisible Man and the Invisible Woman got married. Their kids weren’t much to look at.
The nurse walks into the psychiatrist’s office and says "Doc, there’s a guy out here that thinks he’s invisible. The doctor replies “Tell him I can’t see him”.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office completely naked and wrapped in plastic wrap. The nurse says “Clearly I can see your nuts.”
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A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father “Dad, what’s the difference between ‘theoretically’ and ‘realistically’?”
His dad thinks and then says “Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if she’d sleep with David Beckham for a million quid.”
The boy runs off and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a Million pounds.”
“OK son,” says his dad. “Now go and ask your sister the same question.”
The boy runs off, and comes back saying “Dad, dad”, she said “she would too!”
So then his dad says “Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he’d sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds.”
The son comes back excitedly saying “Dad! Dad! He said he would too!”
Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
“Theoretically the family could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we’re living with two tarts and a poof.”
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This one is for @Grubby
A computer programmer was heading to the grocery store when his wife stopped him saying “Don’t forget to grab a loaf a bread. And if they have eggs, grab a dozen.”
He returned an hour later with twelve loaves of bread.
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So true…
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if($eggs == true) {
$loaves = ‘’;
$loaves = Grab($loaves + 12);
return $loaves;
}
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